I am writing this feeling very overwhelmed. Feeling like I’m reaching the end of myself. A lot of it has to do with motherhood. Oh, don’t get me wrong, my daughter is the best. She’s my favorite little lady and this post isn’t about her. It’s about the responsibility of motherhood. The constant. The feeling like you never quite get anything done, yet are going constantly, doing so many things, and having tasks constantly interrupted.
This is not a post of complaint. Oh, how I wish you could hear me write this. Hear me tell you how much I love my life and how much God has blessed us with. And I don’t mean blessed in a superficial way. I really mean it. We prayed so hard for this little girl and for this season of motherhood. We planned to have me home most of the time and to be with our daughter as much as possible. I’m thankful for the opportunity to do my business wherever and whenever it works in our schedule.
This is why I’m reaching the end of myself. I’m realizing I have been living in a mind full of high expectations of perfection, rules, and keeping it all together on my own. That’s not even biblical. Sister, there’s something about motherhood that brings you to the end of yourself. That’s where I am. And I think this is exactly where God wants me to be.
I’ve said this before, motherhood isn’t the hard part. It’s what motherhood has done for my “normal” way of living that is challenging and sanctifying. I am an introvert that thrives in my mind full of flexible structure and something I’ve just come to realize. I live in a brain that expects perfection of myself. Oh, the chasing perfect that I have tried to break but didn’t even realize it still has it’s chains around my heart. Guess what, motherhood has a way of showing you you’re not capable of everything. Each day brings its own set of new challenges and with it, lots of love and joy. But that challenges sometimes become a bit overwhelming. I am trying to make everything and everyone fit in my life so harmoniously. But I can’t do it all. And I can’t be everything to everyone.
I feel God calling me into a time of simplifying. Doing the hard work to cut out the unnecessary things that I think are important or what I’m used to that take time away from the things that really matter. But I can’t do it on my own. That’s where I’ve fallen short in the past. I feel the Holy Spirit nudge me towards something, and instead of letting God work in his way, I try and take over. I try and do things, once again, to my standard of flawed, human perfection (which is actually so much imperfection). I’ve felt it’s in my control.
Here’s what the Bible says:
“Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” -Matthew 19:26
“He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.” -Isaiah 40:29
“but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.” -Isaiah 40:31
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” – 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
What are my next steps? Where do I go from this place of being at the end of me? I’m running, imperfectly, to Christ. His place of strength. His power in my weakness. His sufficient and oh so undeserved grace. I’m making more time for God, for prayer, for rest, for stillness.
I’m also starting something called Tava Tuesday’s. It’s a whole day, free of work, free of distractions where it’s just a mom and Tava day. Time to connect, play, refocus and make some beautiful memories with my daughter. You’re not going to hear from me on Tuesdays (unless it is a quick nap-time check in), because I’m choosing Tuesday’s to slow-down, unplug, and reconnect to God and my family on a deeper level.
Have you ever reached a point where you’re at the end of yourself? Let’s talk!